OK yeah, that title is a bit melodramatic but not by much. The simple fact is, nothing is going into my vagina without lube – not fingers, not a penis and not a dildo or vibrator. I simply don’t make a lot of natural lubrication. It’s been that way as long as I remember. And you know what? There’s not a god damn thing wrong with it.
I’ve never been shamed by a partner for using lube but I have heard from ignorant dudebro trolls on the internet, who said that my man must not be doing things right if I need lube. I seriously can’t roll my eyes hard enough. Now run along little boys.
The vagina can naturally be very wet or very dry and surprisingly, it’s not directly proportional to arousal. Someone can be taking a calculus test and their vagina could be secreting natural lubrication. On the flip side, someone might be ready to have their brains fucked out but still be dry as the Sahara. And again, you’re not broken if you need lube. You just need lube. That’s all it means.
I highly recommend using lube even if you feel like you have plenty of natural lubrication because it’s my belief that lube makes everything better. And just a side note: if you’re putting anything in your ass, you better lube it up good. But that’s another story. It should also be mentioned that most folks don’t want your fingers coming at their clit without some lube on them. And spit, really doesn’t make great lube.
So, there’s this thing called arousal nonconcordance. It’s a fancy way of saying that our bodies don’t always respond the way we think they should in sexual situations. I could try to explain it but another blogger, who’s read up on the subject, and given me permission to post a lengthy excerpt, already has. Her name is Sarah and this is what she has to say about arousal nonconcordance:
Have you ever heard of arousal nonconcordance? It’s the best kept secret that really ought to be common knowledge. It’s not even a new discovery – it just heavily contradicts our cultural understanding of arousal. But once you know, it’ll change your life.
It is neither wrong nor uncommon for your physiology to not match your mental experience of arousal, and vice versa. What does that mean? In short, it is 100% possible to be mentally aroused and for your genitals not to be responding in the way that you think they should. Likewise, genital response (erection, lubrication) are not a reliable indication of someone’s mental arousal.
Let’s say that you’re making out with someone you’re really into and things are heating up. You feel relaxed with them but also very excited about what might be happening. You’re super enthusiastic, definitely turned on… and your genitals don’t seem to agree. You’re either not getting/maintaining an erection, or you don’t feel ‘wet’. What gives? Does this mean you aren’t into them after all? Does it mean there’s something wrong with you?
Nope. Arousal nonconcordance. It just is what it is. If you’re mentally a yes and your body isn’t doing what you’ve come to expect it to do, that’s actually perfectly normal. The more you stress about it, the harder it will be to relax and enjoy yourself. And sex really should be about enjoying yourself, right? I know that performance anxiety is a big issue for a lot of people, but it’s not a performance. It’s a collaborative experience of fun.
When you understand arousal nonconcordance, you can be easier on yourself and on your partners. You don’t have to worry when someone says that they’re really into you but their body isn’t doing what you’ve come to expect. Trust them. If you’re not getting hard or not getting wet, don’t stress. Create an environment where you can relax and explore.
What does this have to do with lube? It turns out that folks with vaginas tend to experience more arousal nonconcordance than folks with penises. According to some studies, their mental arousal and the genital response may only match about 10% of the time. If you have a vagina and you’ve often experienced not ‘getting wet’ but being totally turned on and ready for sex, then you’re 100% normal. Better still, there’s a lube out there for you.
So, you see… it’s totally natural for our bodies to respond in ways that society has taught us is not normal. Society is wrong, plain and simple. It’s wrong about a lot of things but right now, I’ll just stay on topic.
Now what do you do? Go lube shopping, of course! But not just anywhere and not just any lube. Although lube selections are starting to improve in grocery and drug stores, they are still where you’ll mainly find what I like to call, “vag poison”. Some of that stuff is just awful for your vagina and contain ingredients that shouldn’t go anywhere near it, like petrochemicals and glycerin.
I’ve written a whole big long post on lube science and how to choose a good lube so, I don’t need to waste anyone’s time and repeat it all here. Just make sure you head over to my other blog and read it. I will say just this one thing, stay away from KY and Astroglide lubes – which are mainly what you find in drugstores. Those lubes can seriously fuck up your vag.
What are some vag-friendly lubes I recommend? Well, pretty much everything Sliquid makes is great. All of their products are formulated to be compatible with vaginas. Rarely, I have heard of folks being sensitive to aloe and you can avoid that by using lubes from their Naturals line rather than the Organics line. I have also heard that some people may be sensitive to citric acid. That might be a little harder to avoid. It really all depends on the concentration of it in the lube and just how sensitive a person is. But better lube manufacturers use it as an alternative to parabens, which are kind of nasty chemicals that some people can be allergic to and are best avoided.
Also, silicone-based lubes tend to be more inert in the vagina than a lot of water-based lubes. Water-based lubes are where you really need to check the ingredients. Good silicone-based lubes should only have around 3 ingredients but you shouldn’t use them with some silicone sex toys. And contrary to what I’ve read in more than one place, silicone-based lube is safe to use with latex condoms. It’s oil-based lube that can weaken latex condoms.
Besides Sliquid, I also adore Good Clean Love Almost Naked. It’s vag-friendly and has a nice thick consistency. More recently, I discovered a newer lube made by System JO called AGAPÉ. I’ve never recommended anything made by them before but what caught my eye was that they were advertising the lube’s osmolality (you need to read that post on my other blog to understand what that is and why it’s important). I checked the ingredients list and it all looked vag-friendly so, I tried it. It’s a pretty good lube but I wouldn’t trade it for my Sliquid. I did like the fact that a company was disclosing its lube’s osmolality. It’s almost like some of them are starting to listen. And the more we demand good lube, the more companies will step up and start making it.
Moral of the story? There’s nothing wrong with you if you need lube. You should try lube even if you think you don’t need it and choose a good lube that will be nice to your vagina.
Huge thanks to Sarah for allowing me to use an excerpt from her post!
I am determined to educate the world about the vulva. I expect it won't be long until I'm known as the vulva police.