Oct 212015


Since this is my introductory post on this site, I wanted to start with a truly, utterly and completely god-awful example of vagina misuse.  I didn’t have to look far.  Having watched the Indiegogo pitch video for 3Fap (there’s a minute and forty four seconds of my life that I’ll never get back), I’d heard that the creator of 3Fap held a “vaginal beauty contest” in search of the perfect specimen to adorn the top his state-of-the-art masturbatory suitcase.

There’s even a website for this prestigious Vagina Contest, and in the interest of educating and enlightening the public, I subjected myself to an additional 2 minutes and 40 seconds of Brian Sloan.  During that seemingly interminable span, the words “vagina” or “vaginal” were uttered 13 times.  On only one of those occasions (a reference to future vaginal sleeves for the Autoblow) was the word actually used correctly.  That’s a 92.3% failure rate for those of you keeping score.


For the majority of the video, Mr. Sloan was referring to external anatomy.  As the name of our site proclaims: THAT’S NOT A VAGINA!   A vaginal beauty contest would be challenging, requiring a clear speculum, careful lighting and some sort of insertable camera.  It wouldn’t be impossible, mind you…Dizzy and Penny have both successfully vag-cammed for science.  But I’m thinking there would be very few entries, and I’m not sure how folks would judge one close up image of pink mucous membrane over another.

The kicker, for me, was at the end when Mr. Sloan held up the miniature “vaginal crown” to be awarded to the first place winner.


Again I say, THAT IS NOT A VAGINA!  Were this truly to be a vaginal crown, one would have to insert a pointy metal object into their orifice, and the very thought makes my knees slam shut in terror.

In case you were curious about why Mr. Sloan persistently uses anatomical terms incorrectly, it’s not due to a lack of understanding.  In this article, he explains that in his expert opinion, “‘vulva’ doesn’t have the same ring to it as ‘vagina.’”  It’s cool that he likes the sound of the word “vagina”, but we do hope that in the future he will use it properly.  And maybe he’ll give poor, neglected “vulva” a little love too.

Note: In the interest of brevity and relevance, I have confined my critique of the VBC video to its anatomical inaccuracy.  I could go on for paragraphs about its other issues: the assumption that only women have vaginas, the focus on “porn star” vulvas (small/invisible inner labia) as the ideal of beauty, the use of deli meat (!) to illustrate various labial configurations, etc.  The one positive thing I will say is that steps were taken to ensure that no vulvas were posted without their owners’ permission.

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Intrepid Ninja Blogger at Ninja Sexology
This is Lunabelle, dildo connoisseur and rabid supporter of proper anatomical terminology. You can find more of my reviews, rants and random thoughts over at Ninja Sexology (http://ninjasexology.com)
  • Yay! Great first post! Yeah, this guy is an idiot. The idea of a “Vagina” Contest is pretty sleazy, in my opinion.

    • Lunabelle

      I’m OK with the idea of looking for real-life vulvas to represent. I mean, I own human life-cast dildos, so I get the appeal. It’s the “Hey ladies, take off your pants and show us what you’ve got” tone that grossed me out. This could have been done in a more feminist, sex positive way.

      • I just didn’t like the fact that it was like a beauty pageant. Like this vulva is prettier than that one. So many women have insecurities about how their vulvas look. I think this sort of thing perpetuates that.

        But no, I have no problem with using life-cast vulvas.

  • Tzipora

    Jeez… In that article he literally says “I prefer the exploded hamburger type, heavy on the meat curtains.” Uh, gross. His wording I mean. Heck, as a lesbian while I find all vulva beautiful and am far more about the total package and the person connected to said vulva, I rather like the longer labias myself… More to play with. But yuuuck the meat analogy makes me literally want to vomit. So not what I’m thinking if I’m going down on a partner. So not what I would ever want to think about my own or any other persons genatalia.

    I viewed the results of the contest too and found it distressing. For awhile I literally thought only women with perfect “porn star” vulvas had entered. But the further down I scrolled, the larger the labia. I found the first 20-30 all basically looked the same. The women even had the same body type. They were all white (in fact the darkest skinned folks were almost all way at the very bottom, regardless of labia size). Older women seemed to score lower too which was ironic considering if their ages hadn’t been listed I don’t know how anyone would ever know. And hey, nothing against folks who do have minimal labia but gosh. I don’t see why they didn’t pick a variety, so there was something for everyone, right? Because pfft don’t see how this is any different from what’s already all over the market.

    But I could rant on and on. Truly though, it irks me how many feminine bodied folks feel ashamed of their genetalia. Or think there’s something wrong with them. A bisexual friend of mine was shamed by the first girl she ever had sex with, the girl all out refused to go down on her because of the size of her inner labia. Hearing stories like that, and gosh from another female too in my friends case, makes me so sad.

    • FieryRed

      It is really terrible how we’re made to feel about our vulvas, and labia in particular. For the longest time I longed for surgery just so that my right inner labia wouldn’t be longer than my left. UGH. I must say that having partners who told me how attractive my genitalia was to them and who were obviously aroused by giving me oral sex did help. I hate hearing stories of women enforcing these awful ideas on each other.

      • We should never apologise for the appearance of our vulvas. I have one labia which protrudes more than the other. My husband loves it and it gets extra attention.

        On our blog we were asked by someone who had a small clit but large labia, if she should have the labia removed by labioplasty. Madness. All the things that can go wrong in such an operation make it a stupid thing to have done. Also her clitoris wasn’t actually that small, about the same as mine, about 1/4 inch exposed and similar diameter. That is quite normal actually.

        In my husband’s teenage years he encountered a clit more than an inch long – he didn’t dislike it, he made a point of treating it to an experience I could never have.

        We all need to make the most of our genitalia. They are all different.

  • This might be the best use of the “you keep using that word” that I’ve ever seen!

  • A really great piece showing how stupid it is to use the wrong name for things. I had a friend who told her doctor she had a problem with her vagina and it was actually her clitoris!

    While writing, can I put this link here as it is important to protect the VULVA from abuse still carried out in too many countries including the UK and USA.



      Thanks for asking about the link. I checked out your post and it’s not spam. 🙂

      • Thanks. We actually link to you down the right column somewhere. Our five favourite sites or something.

        Yes, she’d cut her clitoris when trimming her pubic hair, apparently, but said she’d cut her vagina. Ended up with an unnecessary internal examination. LOL.